With all the time that I have spent within the four walls of my shelter in place, my mind yielded some very interesting thoughts on what came before this Global pandemic, what was now happening during and just what exactly is to be expected to come after. I tried, with all the effort that was allotted from my newly flexible schedule, to sort through these thoughts and come to a conclusion that would serve some form of growth for myself. Maybe then, I could begin to plan for the “after" part.
What I concluded was that I was holding onto a lot of frustration with my past. I had burned through almost two years of post-graduation work-life balance, without much balance at all. My job had been smeared across this windshield attached to the car of life I was driving, thusly leading me nowhere fast.
Proceeding deep into the abyss of my mind, now considering my present and where I had driven myself with such blurred vision, my frustration turned to sadness. I began to pity myself. How had I let things get so far off track with the trajectory that my life was supposed to take. I was financially in a bind, the gap year I was to take after earning my Bachelors degree had turned into two gap years of – well, good experience, but still was not enough to build a solid lift off point for my career. Still thinking of graduate school, and now with all the time in the world to prepare for it, I began receiving rejections due to what I could only perceive as very little prep beforehand. To top it all off, there wasn’t even a ladder for me to climb within the job I was occupying. I was stuck.
All things considered; my future seemed bleak. Where was I to go now and how was I to get there. I began to panic at my sudden realization of how out of control I really was. I searched for comfort and solace in things that seemed like I could grasp some sort of control within. This ‘control’ consisted of me binge watching new shows, old shows, classic movies and rating them all to myself according to how long I stayed awake actually watching them, calling family members, and old friends to check in on how their lives were fairing through this cataclysmic event. I even reembarked onto social media I had deleted from my life long ago, scheming and plotting for interaction I really didn’t want; epic fail there. All this, to distract myself from what was really going on.
One of my favorite quotes, as a person of much spiritual devotion; “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans," rang out in my head as I thought through all the possible ways to regain some sense of control in my life. Faith had always been something I was working on, but had yet to truly master. Also, what of the works. Faith without works has been deemed as dead, and like I had said previously, for the last two years I had no time to work on the many things that meant something to me. Therefore, who was I to have the deserved faith of those who do put the work in for harvest later on? I had to catch myself right there in my negative self-thoughts. The process is just as important as the destination, and my process, while different than what was expected, was exactly what it was supposed to be. I had learned so many of life’s lessons that I would only continue to build upon, I had made a difference in the lives of those my organization had allowed me to touch, learned from professionals in a specific and real world setting before tying myself down to a graduate school program that could have not been the right fit for me, and I was prepared now, more than ever.
I’ve been feeling so inconsiderate, and narrow minded for thanking God for this time to think and meditate at such a pivotal moment in my life. I prayed for protection over the nation and felt for those on the front lines along with those who had suffered great loss; and to take time to pray for myself in such dire circumstances seemed like a selfish endeavor, but I did. I prayed for everything, and everyone, including myself because right now, everything is changing, and I could not afford to not all my cards out on the table. I am taking what action steps I can take now, virtually, and I am meditating on it all. I know what is meant to be will be.
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